A burning bush. Angels flying down from the clouds. Being swallowed by a whale alive and spat back out onto the shore of where you should be. A big booming voice from the sky that says clearly and distinctly: “Erin, you should (fill in the blank) thus saith the Lord!”
It doesn’t have to be unique or elaborate, the old tricks would suite me just fine. It’s doesn’t even have to be Biblical, I’d take it. A little cricket that follows me around telling me what to do, a fairy Godmother that “poof!” appears and gives me some guidance; I’d even take a clearly written fortune from a fortune cookie at my local Chinese carry out. Do I ask too much?
I would take anything that would just tell me, with clarity, what it is I am meant to do with my life.
Granted I do get a lot of good signs along the way from my community of support saying “Keep on going” and “Don’t stop” but I guess I am being picky because I want something more. I want a Moses moment.
Moses may have felt like his calling was terrible and burdensome, and sure going up against Pharaoh would have been a bit daunting, but at least it was clear for crying out loud! (Literally). Moses didn’t have to sit around and wonder for years how he was supposed to spend his life. He didn’t even have to pray to God asking over and over and over again for God to send him a sign.
Many of my friends remind me that a Moses moment would be too cliche to really gain any insight from. “Besides Erin, do you really want that much clarity?” They are right, the biggest problem with a Moses moment is that I would really have no choice but to do what the bush tells me to do. Moses was just hanging out, minding his own business and then his whole world turned upside down.
Do I really want clarity or do I want a choice?
During one of my many discernment meetings a friend asked, “Erin…What if God doesn’t really care what you do?”
The thought had never really occurred to me. I don’t think I am an egotistical person but something about that question made me feel dumbfounded that God might not have this elaborate plan for my life. But it also made me feel a little relieved. I just laughed, “I guess it’s my choice then.”
A choice. I can choose anything I want. God gives us this gift, we have the freedom to choose how we want to live our life, at least to some extent. This notion that I have the freedom to choose is liberating because I can do whatever I really want, as long as it meets some guidelines I have developed for myself over the years.
What’s daunting? I could do a whole series of different jobs based on my guidelines. Too many choices can be a dizzying mountain to climb. And with all the choices I have been given I find myself here: In seminary, writing, doing field education in the Church, doing work in the faith based non profit sector and along the way I have had not a single burning bush.
So I am here for many reasons. God has something to do with it, but so does the way I was raised, my community and my life experiences. All of it has had its turn in paving the road I currently walk and the decisions I have had to make.
One last story for you. I was watching the 1990’s show Northern Exposure the other day (great show) and the episode I was watching follows the story of one character, Michelle, who is having a lot of trouble making decisions. She can’t decide what socks to wear, what food to order, what activities to partake in at a weekend trip away, etc. Any choice MIchelle is presented with is a terrifying and difficult task that paralyzes her.
After an afternoon hike that gets Michelle lost in the woods she stumbles upon a mysterious Rabbi also lost on a hike. The two characters discuss the difficulties of decision making as they attempt to find the right way home. After a time the Rabbi says, “An old Yiddish proverb goes ‘If you have no idea where you are going, every road will take you there.”
Every road will take you there. This is the miracle. Every place where you are is where you should be. With the right intentions, focus and help you are exactly where you should be, wherever that is.
I believe God rides along with us, perhaps also wondering where it is that we are going as we walk. Or perhaps God only shows up when you’ve really gone off track. Otherwise, no news is good news, “Just keep on going.” Perhaps Truth should be our guide and Truth is everywhere, so anywhere there is Truth it is the right decision. Truth can be found with the help of others, the more we seek help from our community the more direction we may receive.
Maybe if we spend all our time looking for a sign we will just get lost. The Rabbi and Michelle get very lost trying to figure out why they are both there, lost in the thick of the Alaskan woods. They even stumble upon a burning bush but it has nothing to say. The bush doesn’t have the answers, the Rabbi and Michelle have the answers. In their conversations with each other they find themselves where they are and help each other keep going in the right direction.
It’s up to us. It’s our choice and our community will help guide us. Every road will take you there and if you get lost and confused, find a friend to help you.
The Rev. Erin Hougland 
is it possible that you are over-thinking this. i told you babe, it doesn’t have to be that complex. the best answers are the simple ones. i do disagree with the thought that perhaps God doesn’t give a damn. HE does but that does’t mean HE will show you the way in a blinding flash of light. That is way to easy for you and you shouldn’t expect that degree of clarity. i personally feel that you are on the right way. it is for us much like it was for you dad. we knew what he would do by the time he was 10 or 11 but i am sure he didn’t know it. anyway we will be very proud of you no matter what you do (perhaps a few exceptions to that remark). Love. Papa
It’s totally possible I’m overthinking it, but I don’t think I am alone in wondering these things about life. Maybe not what I am thinking about specifically, but wondering how one should live- I think that’s an important question to consider. I’m glad you think God cares, that’s a comforting thought. Thanks for sharing and reading!
oh; one more thought. perhaps God cares enough to let you sort it our for yourself. and finally, if your were not doing what you are presently doing, what would you be doing?
I do think you are right Erin. People do wonder as they wander. Sometimes the clarity doesn’t come until much later I think. Sometimes looking back at the choices we make we realize how right they were and the clarity of Gods will is so evident. I think it’s important to move forward with the right intentions and always strive for Truth in knowing. I think the important thing to remember is that we have to keep moving, keep following what is right at the time. It’s not about the end I think- it’s more about the journey. I honestly don’t believe that we ever get “there” so to speak. There’s no end, it’s our lives as we travel through, making what feels like the right decision at the time. Following those “God nudges” – those gut feelings- somehow in that moment you just know its right. And then you just keep forging ahead knowing you will most definitely be “nudged” again……and again….
I like “God-nudges”, that’s a great way of putting it.
Thanks for sharing, Erin! Some things (or better yet, words) come to mind. Feeling, guiding, leading. In my interpretation of a calling or discerning a purpose, I focus on my willingness and my passion around that willingness as opposed to the direction or end-point. If you willingly follow, you will eventually come to the end point??? Sounds like you are following your path, like you are being lead and guided. That you are trusting and faithful. …Maybe it’s similar to what we were talking about today around knowing the reward. Maybe what matters is just that feeling on your heart and being present as to how it mobilizes and moves you and finding the joy that God is your faithful guide. I know I’m not answering the question. That’s a product of my training :0) That said, there came a point for me when I had been lead far enough on my journey to start to discern where the path was leading me …but who knows, there could be a detour or a u-turn. Also, there are things that weigh just so heavily on my heart, I can’t help but follow in that direction. I look forward to reading more!
Thanks for saying I am trusting and faithful, that’s a nice thing to say and I don’t always feel that way but I try! Trusting a strong feeling in your heart or for me, my gut, and “being present as to how it mobilizes and moves you” is right on. I just spoke with my supervisor at Christ Church about this today. It’s so true. Moving towards joy is another good marker to use, joy in the work one is made to do.